The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old student
Johnny. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,"Johnny, why has your
school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh,don't worry,"Johnny said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber.."
Little Johnny has a problem. He swears too much. He cusses
like a sailor. Johnny's teacher is aware of this, so she is going
to be extra careful not to let Johnny cuss today.
"Okay, class. We're going to play a game today. I'm going to
name a letter of the alphabet and I want you to come up with
a word that starts with that letter and put it in a sentence."
The kids are excited, especially Johnny, who's thinking of
every cuss word he can think of.
"Okay, class, let's start with the letter A."
Johnny raises his hand.
"Susie," the teacher calls.
"A is for apple. Apples grow on trees," she replies.
"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter B."
Johnny raises his hand excitedly.
"Mikey," the teacher calls.
"B is for baseball. Baseball is my favorite sport."
"Very good," the teacher says. "Okay, class, let's do the letter C."
Johnny raises both hands! He's going nuts! He's got the perfect word for C!!
"Bobby," the teacher calls.
"C is for cat. A cat lives in my backyard."
"Very good," The teacher says. This goes on and on, and
the teacher is not going to call on Johnny if there's a cuss
word that starts with the letter she calls out. Finally, she
gets to the letter R. The teacher can't think of a single cuss
word that starts with R, and even Johnny looks a little
puzzled. So she calls out R and asks Johnny to respond.
Johnny nervously stands up. He looks around the room.
Then he says "R is for a Rat...," he suddenly gets excited
and stretches both arms wide, "...a rat with a dick this big!"
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around
cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't f***ing want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother
and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day..
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her
hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As
she came to Little Johnny, she again told him
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't f***ing want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So what's the problem?? don't f***ing give him one," said
Little Johnny's mother.
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that
Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting
in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled
slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to
the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the
dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog
was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice
fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would
pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for
a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her
mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple
and asked for my phone number."
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student
to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said,
"Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,
"John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those little tits would just shut the hell up."
Upon overhearing this rude comment, the outraged teacher demanded
to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton."
"I'll see you Monday..."
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud
farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he
exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do
it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with
identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down,
farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher
dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but
when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.
She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath
her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters
the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's
too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you
want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register
surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What
do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up
the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.
He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of
the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your fuckin' lazy ass downstairs
and get that kid some ice cream!"
Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of bread.
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school.
When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because
I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the
floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was
done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"
