One day little Johnny came home from school to find his parents
were arguing fiercely. Not realizing the child was present, they were throwing
profanities at each other.
Mom said "Get out you bastard."
Dad said "Shut up you Bitch!"
The son looked at his parents and said, "what do Bitch and Bastard mean".
Surprised to see their son, Dad said, "Bitch and Bastard is just another name
for Ladies and Gentlemen." Satisfied with his answer, the little boy went
happily to his room.
A few weeks later, little Johnny awoke in the middle of the night to
hear a racket coming from his parents bedroom. He went to investigate.
Mom said "Oh suck my tits!"
Dad said "Oh lick my Balls!"
The little boy said "What does tits and balls mean?"
Surprised to see their son standing in the doorway, Mom said " Tits and Balls is just
another name for hats and coats." Satisfied
with the answer, the little boy went back to bed.
The next day, little Johnny was in the kitchen while his mother was cutting up
a turkey for dinner. She accidentally cut her thumb with the knife, and
forgetting that the boy was there, she screamed "FUCK!" The little boy asked "
Mom what does FUCK mean?"
Not wanting to be a bad mother she said "It's just another word for cutting
turkey." Satisfied with the answer, the little boy went to find his father.
His father was in the bathroom shaving and suddenly cut his face with the razor.
Not realizing that his son was watching him, he said "SHIT!"
The little boy said "Dad what does SHIT! mean?" Dad, realizing the boy was
there, said " It's just another word for shaving cream." Johnny, satisfied with the
answer, left to go watch T.V.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The family's dinner guests had arrived. Knowing
that his parents were busy, little Johnny answered the door. He also wanted to
show the company what a smart little boy he was.
When he opened the door he exclaimed, " Come in BITCHES AND BASTARDS,
hang up your TITS AND BALLS, Dad's in the bathroom shaving the SHIT off his
face and Mom's in the kitchen FUCKING the turkey."
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm
spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards,
they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards
where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream,
left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same
hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a
few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence
gain after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.
But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what
was wrong.
Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked
woman, I would turn to stone....
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!
There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks
to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She turns to
the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does any one know what that
is?"
The class sits silently for a second or two than little Johnny
stands from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I
know cause my dad's got two!" "The small one he pee's from, the big
one he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of
town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in
the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady
from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on
top of her and..."
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father
gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.
"But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've
just told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs
with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy
got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: "Johnny! What is your problem?"
Johnny: " I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any question
he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny is brought in the room. The principal tells Johnny and he
agrees.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"
Principal: What is 9 x 9 ?"
Johnny:"81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader
should know. He looks at the teacher and tells her " I think Johnny
can go to the third grade."
The teacher tells the principal "Let me ask him some questions?"
The Principal and Johnny agree.
The teacher asks "What does cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnny: "Legs"
Teacher: " What is in your pants that you have that I don't have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny's
expected answer, Johnny says "Pockets."
The principal breathes a sigh of relief and tells the teacher
"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last 2 questions!"
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he
noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you
doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed
the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you
doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he
passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to
his son, "what are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered...
"You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his
parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents
room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what
are you doing? Fucking them?"
Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his arm. He
reaches up to the counter and rings the bell.
Out comes the madame. She looks down at Johnny and says to him, "Well, well,
what can we do for you little boy?"
"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."
The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitchh I wanna girl with aids"
She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize that this
kind of thing costs money, you know." She stops laughing when Johnny slams
down three hundred dollars on the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks. "That ain't none
of your business. You gonna give me the bitch with aids or what?"
"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get her. By the
way, what's in the shoebox?"
Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks puzzled.
Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then I get
aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he gets
aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the
mailman and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog"
Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the
window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and
hollered, "Hey, everyone look at that" The teacher ran to the window and
pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs
doing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the
bottom was helping him get home. Dirty Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't
that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting
screwed?"
