Little Johnny Jokes

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  1. Friday is big test day in elementary school, the teacher tells the students that she is going to read some famous quotes, and if the kids can name the person and year the quote is from, they do not have to take the rest of the test and they get Monday off.

    The teacher gives the first quote..."I have a dream" kid in front jumps up and yells out "Dr. Martin Luther King, 1969!" Teacher says "that is very good Jack, you can skip the rest of the test and you get Monday off". Jack says.."Oh please teacher, let me come to school on Monday. I want to be smart like Dr. Martin Luther King, and I need to be here".

    Johnnie yells out ...."You dumb stupid nigger". Teacher is shocked and yells.."Who said that?" Johnnie answers..."Johnnie Furhman, 1997...See you Tuesday!"

  2. Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area. "That's my sponge", says his mother. "Oh, ok", said Johnny.

    A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into the hospital for an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area shaved. Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where's your sponge?"

    His mother replied, "It's ok, I've just lost it. It will turn up somewhere."

    A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge."

    "Where?" says his mother, wondering where Johnny could have found it. "It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."

  3. One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

    No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

    Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

    "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

    Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

    Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

    Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

    Still no one guesses.

    "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

    Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

  4. Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

    Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

    "I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".

    "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

    "Go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!". Mom says

    Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

    "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

    "Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?

    "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

    Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

    Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

  5. It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

    The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

    Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

    The father asked her what had happened.

    "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that had a mole on my rear."

    She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

    "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

  6. It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer."

    So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"

    The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

    Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"

    "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

  7. Little ten-year-old Johnny goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out, "Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"

    Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the playground," he says.

    A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. "Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a knowing grin.

    Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...". "Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"

  8. This little johnny and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little johnny says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

    Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little johnny responds "No." "Then you can't have one."

    A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the johnny asks, "Can I have on of those?"

    Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little johnny responds "No." "Then you can't have one."

    Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little johnny says "I just won $50,000"

    Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"

    The little johnny asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.

    "Then go fuck yourself".

  9. Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend. This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.

    "Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor would, except hes not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..

    I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot..

    Finally, i found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

    When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake..

    Anywa, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

    Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them..

    After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. i know it was dead, because it just hung ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging out..

    Sis and her boyfreind were a little tired from the battle, but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. i guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives...

    This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet..

    Johnny's mother fainted.

  10. Little Johnny had some sex questions for his father, "Dad, what does 'pussy' mean?" The father took the little boy up to his study room and got out a Playboy magazine. He opened the book to the centerfold and too got out an ink pen. He drew a small circle in the appropriate place and told Johnny, "See that circle, everything inside the circle is a pussy."

    "Oh," said little Johnny. "One more thing, what is a bitch?"

    "Well," said the father, "see that little circle? A 'bitch' is everything outside the circle if it doesn't give you what is inside the circle..."

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