Friday is big test day in elementary school, the teacher tells the
students that she is going to read some famous quotes, and if the kids
can name the person and year the quote is from, they do not have to
take the rest of the test and they get Monday off.
The teacher gives the first quote..."I have a dream"..black kid in
front jumps up and yells out "Dr. Martin Luther King, 1969!" Teacher
says "that is very good Jack, you can skip the rest of the test and
you get Monday off". Jack says.."Oh please teacher, let me come to
school on Monday. I want to be smart like Dr. Martin Luther King, and
I need to be here".
Johnnie yells out ...."You dumb stupid nigger". Teacher is shocked
and yells.."Who said that?" Johnnie answers..."Johnnie Furhman,
1997...See you Tuesday!"
Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after
looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area.
"That's my sponge", says his mother. "Oh, ok", said Johnny.
A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into the hospital
for an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area
shaved. Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where's your
His mother replied, "It's ok, I've just lost it. It will turn up
A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to
his mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge."
"Where?" says his mother, wondering where Johnny could have found it.
"It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up
his/her hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has
horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for
his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street
and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."
Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the
afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother
"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies.
Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of
shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off
here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
"Go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!". Mom says
Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got
in a little trouble today."
"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."
"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?
"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit
up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here
and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back
Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians
It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked
up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid
gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other
kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had
handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of
little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how
things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have
cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that had
a mole on my rear."
She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's
lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he
would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school
teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense
from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by
one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer."
So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year,
Johnny; tell me your REAL name!"
The kid said, "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You
can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if
you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher
went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade
classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down
the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the
room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even
get a cookie break!"
Little ten-year-old Johnny goes for a long week-end with his
uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle
John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they
are interrupted by an out-of-breath Johnny who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Johnny aside and
explains that a certain decorum is required. "You should have
said, 'The bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth
picked up in the playground," he says.
A few days later, Johnny comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults share a
Uncle John says, "Thank you Johnny, but surely
you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise'
more than one cow at a time you know...". "Yes he can!"
replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"
This little johnny and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
beer and the little johnny says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which
the little johnny responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the johnny asks,
"Can I have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little johnny responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little
johnny says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"
The little johnny asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to
touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself".
Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age,
rather curious. He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from
older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day
he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the
curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend. This
he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.
"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured
sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must
have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel
her heart just like a doctor would, except hes not as smart as the
doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart..
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must
have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time,
sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to
the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was
a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot..
Finally, i found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in
one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth
fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She
said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her
about the ones down at the lake..
Anywa, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit
her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while
he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels
head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on
it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell
of a fight. Sis started graning and squealing and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squashing it between them..
After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend
got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. i know it was dead,
because it just hung ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging
Sis and her boyfreind were a little tired from the battle, but they
went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By
Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to
fight again. i guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives...
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it..
After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
know it was this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off
and flush it down the toilet..
Johnny's mother fainted.
Little Johnny had some sex questions for his father, "Dad, what
does 'pussy' mean?" The father took the little boy up to his study
room and got out a Playboy magazine. He opened the book to the
centerfold and too got out an ink pen. He drew a small circle in the
appropriate place and told Johnny, "See that circle, everything inside the
circle is a pussy."
"Oh," said little Johnny. "One more thing, what is a bitch?"
"Well," said the father, "see that little circle? A 'bitch' is
everything outside the circle if it doesn't give you what is inside the circle..."