Little Johnny Jokes


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  1. A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

    Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

    Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"



  2. One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

    On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

    The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

    Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

    Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

    The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

    Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"




    1. Teacher: "Hello boys, Remember!!! Nothing is impossible."
      Johnny : "Ok Sir, You please squeeze out all the toothpaste and put back it into the tube again."



    2. Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested to listen?"
      Johnny : "A Teacher."



    3. Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
      Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."



    4. Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
      Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."



    5. Teacher: "Who are the most grateful people in the human race?"
      Johnny: "The turkish."
      Teacher: "Why is that?"
      Johnny: "You celebrate thanksgiving with turkeys right?"



    6. Teacher: "Why were the times of King Arthur known as the dark
      Johnny: "Because it was 'Knight' time sir!"



    7. Teacher: "Who is the fastest human being in the world?"
      Johnny: "My mother... She can catch me doing anything."




  4. Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetics.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'

    I said '6'"

    "But that's right!"

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

    Father - "What's the fucking difference?"

    "That's exactly what I said."



  5. The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

    A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, and ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.

    "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

    So Johnny said, "Asshole."



  6. Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

    The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

    "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

    Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

    He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"



  7. So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

    "Very good," says the teacher.

    Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

    Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that 'cunt ages' to finish that fence."





  8. One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

    Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

    "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

    Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

    "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

    By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

    "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Jonny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

    "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

    "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

    "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"



  9. One day in math class the teacher asks Johnny the following question. "If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many birds are left on the fence?" Johnny replies, "None, because after I shoot the first bird, the others will fly away." The teacher says, "Well, the correct answer is 'three birds', but I like your thinking."

    So Johnny says, "Well I have a question for you... There are three women in an ice cream shop eating ice cream cones. The first woman is licking the cone. The second woman is biting the cone. And the third woman is sucking the cone. Which one is married?" The teacher replies, "I don't know. I guess the one that is sucking the cone." To which Johnny says, "Well the correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring', but I like your thinking."



  10. The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi- syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

    "Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"

    After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."

    "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day.

    Does anyone know another word.""I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

    Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables."

    Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

    Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

    Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

    Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
    Contributor: Sumit Chauhan



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