Litlle Johnny's father had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted
to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it
loose in the pasture. He told Johnny to watch and come in and tell him
when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy," said little Johnny.
After a while little Johnny came into the living room where his father
was talking with some friends.
"Say, Pop," said little Johnny.
"Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just fucked the brown cow."
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse
me" and took little Johnny outside.
"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You
should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and
tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
The father went back inside the house.
After a while little Johnny came in and said, "Hey, Dad."
"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
A new teacher while introducing herself to children said "My name is
Miss. Prussy and it is easy to remember. Just remember the word pussy
in your rhyme and add "r" in between first two letters.
Next day techer wanted to test whether children could remember her name
or not. So she asked the whole class to tell her name a little
louder.
Silence prevailed for sometime as none of the children could remember
her name. Then little Johny remembered suddenly and shouted with
excitement "Crunt".
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside
all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today.
He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7)
the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.
His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of
Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for
the expenses of being married?"
He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the
$1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k."
His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses
if you and Betty have a baby?"
Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
Little Johnny's teacher was teaching the kids about starvation. Being a
good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of
starvation on the board. Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three
little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, "that's very good Sue. What is it?"
Sue said, "that's a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that
represents starvation."
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle. The
teacher said, "that's good Dan. What is it?"
Dan said, "that's a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation."
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little
squiggely lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, "that's good Johnny. What is it?"
Johnny said, "that's an asshole with cob webs. If that isn't starvation,
I don't know what is."
A new teacher trying to make use of her Psychology courses, started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks he/she is stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, Ma'am," he said. "But, I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia
Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Litte Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny
was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way
he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only "fasten 8."
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher asks the class go home
and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every
Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to
sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all
the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story,
Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12
eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy
replied, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."
Next up was little johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war,
and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun
and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed
right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his
machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete
and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she
asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied,
"Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "Please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him
quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her
blouse and takes it off.
"Ok, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes
removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are
those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask
his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny
didn't forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father,
always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your
mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks
that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was
playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started
swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in
his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after
a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No
butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy
when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She
began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing
there watching her.
To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
